Long vent.
So… I am typing this out. I want to explain my current state on how I’m feeling right now.
I am doing okay.
Okay, not really. It’s about making friends, social media, the art.
I have a hard time with making friends. Especially on social media. Twitter was just a mistake for me and there is a reason why I don’t check my timeline anymore. Drama and spoilers. But I made some friends on the platform but some have either left me or blocked me. When I made my Discord server, it was going good, day 1. But then someone who wanted to be my girlfriend came in and a friend left my server and he got angry at me saying he hated relationships. I then ignored the person who wanted to be my girlfriend. And then as the discord was growing, there was an argument and people kept leaving me.
I still have my server, but now it is private because people keep entering and leaving. I guess making one was a mistake… and now the server is quiet with about 2-3 people rarely being active. While typing this, I almost feel like I want to cry. I don’t want to revisit this again. Being alone online just hurts. As for Twitter, well, no one really looks at my tweets anymore. And it’s hard because all the site cares about are memes, good art, and sugar honey ice tea. Getting my art out there on the platform has been a struggle and the only thing I do is just like my own tweets now. I know, I know, liking your own tweets isn’t a good thing, but I’m doing it cause I feel left out.
Instagram has been helpful as people have been loving my art but the algorithm sucks sometimes. DeviantArt, same thing minus the algorithm part, and Tumblr is a struggle. Recently, putting my commissions out there is hard and I haven’t gotten any recent donations or commissions on Ko-fi as of 6/19. I guess my art isn’t good enough… 😭. Because of this, I have been feeling a bit left out and frustrated that I am working on my own series with my own characters and that has been going good and I am getting slow with the fan art. I won’t mention details or the title of it, but I am still working on chapter 2. My dream is that my "manga” will be a success but I don’t think it will because I struggle with backgrounds and certain perspectives, as well as views (side, back views) on characters.
Going back to the Discord server part, I am in a couple but fitting in them has been hard because a franchise I like has a big fandom (Pokémon for example). I have left a couple because getting my art out there has been hard or I feel ignored. Feeling ignored is a hard thing because I have Asperger’s. When I try to fit in a conversation on Discord, I feel ignored. No one wants to talk to me. Same with Tumblr. I usually put out a post on my main blog asking for someone to send a ask but I don’t get any or 1. Also applies with Twitter or Instagram when I ask people to send me questions.
Tumblr is fine for me, I still have some friends who follow me but… a friend who loved DBZ used to follow me blocked me in 2020 and I felt hurt. They sent me a long DM and I was scared to read it… again, typing all of this is hard. I rather not explain why since I just don’t want to revisit it, but I felt like I made a terrible mistake. And someone who followed me on Instagram DM’d me “unfollowed”. Like, you don’t have to tell me in my DMs.
For YouTube, I just don't want to make more videos anymore cause the site is a problem with the whole copyright bs. I'm paranoid that my channel will be gone. Another reason is that no one really comments on my most recent videos, and I have blocked a YT user who put a hateful comment talking about one of my old videos. I just don't want people to bring up my old videos, just no. I did get a recent one on one of my vids Friday, but it was just, eh... as I look at other people's videos such as Vargskelethor Joel, they have more views and comments because they are popular with the clickbaity thumbnails (sometimes, depending on the user). I had a lot of good ideas, but I am scrapping it and instead, some of the ideas will be on this blog. I am done. I am also dealing with computer issues, mostly storage problems and the video software I use on there will crash a lot. I've been having this computer since 2019 or 2018 and I still hate it.
This isn’t related to social media, but… I was bullied a lot in elementary and middle school. I’m not joking. One time in middle school, while I was getting to my class, someone tripped me over in the hallway. I hurt my knee badly.
Now, I used to follow people back, now here is a reason I don’t anymore. It depends on what they post and how they act. And I’m tired of people asking me to follow them back… just no. You’re just trying to get more followers and likes, even the follow for follow thing is just bs because you don’t show appreciation for my posts. I have gotten messages on DeviantArt where people will invite me to their Discord but let me tell you this… no, no, no. I am not joining your server. I don’t want to join another one ever again. I only follow people that I find interesting or cool. And I don’t trust people adding me on Discord anymore cause one person unfriended me even though we were having a good conversation. So, if you try to add me on Discord, you won’t cause I turned off an option where everyone can add me as a friend.
Tuesday, I return to doing online college work again so I will be slow with fan art, but I want to focus on my life now. Luckily, it’s only one class. I will continue on my own story and characters because I am just frustrated and I feel left out as people have been ignoring my commissions while I scroll on my timeline, seeing others get commissions because their art is so good. I might stay away from social media for a while, except Facebook which I have some friends on there. If you find me on Facebook and try to add me, I might ignore you unless we are cool with each other and I trust you or we met IRL and are good friends.
My future is to become a voice actress besides doing art and taking commissions. I want the world to hear my voice. I don’t want negativity in my life, I don’t want people to hurt me or ignore me. I want the world to see what I can do, and when I get my story and characters protected by copyright, I hope to share it with everyone. But it will be a long wait as I am struggling with my current balance on my card and getting commissions out there is a struggle. I understand people have work and that’s important, but I guess no one cares anymore.
I know on online, no one believes you on how you’re feeling, but this is real and I am serious.
I am done… I am sorry for this really long vent. I am okay… I don’t need to see a therapist unless I need it.
I am fine.